My journey past that time in my life was an emotional one. Watching this “friends” career take off with her fresh tits and Loubitans was interesting, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt me for a while. Los Angeles photographers love testing with models with designer clothes, breasts, and lots of followers on Instagram – regardless of how they got them. And then clients love the same things too. Did she have to work at those test shoots and castings? Ya, of course she did, and I give her credit for that. But she would have never had a lot of those opportunities without turning tricks to get them.
Part of me had to think… what if I had just gone down that path, too, like so many of these girls? I’d probably be better off with my modeling career. It seemed to be true for all the girls I saw living their lives that way. The money, resources, and makeovers… the ability to give your modeling career a jump start. It can be very disheartening when you just want to follow your passions, and stay who you really are. When you want the dream and the simple life too. A lot of the enchantment of Hollywood just doesn’t exist for me anymore. I know now that it’s all a visage, often hiding quite an ugliness underneath.
After all this happened I had to leave LA for a while and take a break. I had to heal and convince myself that success when achieved at the expense of your self worth will never taste as sweet as success earned through righteous means. Maybe that’s true, maybe it isn’t… but when you witness that kind of lifestyle and don’t choose it for yourself, it’s what you have to believe.
I moved back to LA a year ago, and It has been a blessing to find a community of genuine people this time around. Branching out into acting more has helped. I hate to say it… but just so many models have bought into the fake lifestyle in Los Angeles. It’s hard to find the ones who still have small town values in the big city. I worry about models more now… about all the things that can lead to dark places.
I’m less eager to influence people to join the business than I used to be. A well meaning young girl with dreams will have a lot to face. Moving from a small town to these big cities and seeing all of this for the first time is shocking. I know it all too well. The recent incident with “The King of Instagram” Dan Bilzerian kicking a model in the face at LIV nightclub in Miami is a sharp reminder. It pisses me off, and is part of what’s spurring me to write this. I’m sadly not at all surprised by it. There are a lot of awful people all over the world who disrespect and take advantage of models. From these Vegas trips, to living in Miami and witnessing the club life there, to even meeting rich jerks during my working months in Greece… this is truly a common lifestyle little discussed by those it abuses and rewards.
I guess it just makes me want to speak out about my own experiences in this realm, something I’ve never really done before. Call it a warning, or a heads up, or whatever. It’s just what happened to me, and what I know, and I’m sure there are more stories out there… we’re just never encouraged to spill the beans. We models are replaceable, remember? I’m just at a place in my life where I’m really perfectly ok with never being asked on one of these trips again, if that be the case. These trips, or club nights, can be really fun. But they can be scary too. Especially when you’re still naive to the world.
If you’re a model, all I can recommend when these opportunities come up is that you be aware – and remember who you are and what you’re truly worth. Know that any friend who doesn’t make you feel good is not a friend at all, and it is ok to break up with those kinds of people. It’s ok to to say no to any kind of lifestyle that doesn’t make you feel good on the inside, and that doesn’t mean you’re saying no to your dreams. Outside appearances aren’t everything. The simple life is a wonderful thing, too. It just doesn’t get as much advertising.