Every since I was a little girl I wanted to be a model, but I didn’t realize it would be like this. People always think I want to be stared at. I don’t. I am a person you know! But for some reason, everyone seems to have the idea that I live for their attention, and that I need to see a camera flash to survive. There’s a difference between who I am and what I do.. .but people don’t get that!
Seriously, most of the time I’d rather sit at home and lounge on my sofa. (What, it’s a really comfortable sofa!) Sometimes I even play on my Xbox, but I’m not a gamer girl – I just – Well, at least they don’t stare at me!
It seems funny right? My life is the definition of being in the spotlight – and I love what I do. Every time I hit the runway I feel the excitement running through my veins. Yes, bitches it’s me – time to adore! But at home, it’s an entirely different thing – I just want space to breathe.
I mean even the basic stuff is messed up. I go to the store and the clerk always looks at me funny. She never says anything weird, but she has this crazy ass “don’t I know you from somewhere” look as she rings up my ice cream. I can feel her judging me as I look away to swipe my card.
I think to myself, pretending she can hear me:
“Yes, I am a model. Yes, I am eating ice cream. No, I’m not going to go throw it back up.”
Then she smiles and I smile back. Deep breath – it’s over. This is what I go through this weekly.
If I seem a bit paranoid, I’m not. This has become a daily part of my life – the watching and the judging.. I’m cool with it when I’m ‘on-the-clock’, but it doesn’t seem fair since I’m not getting paid when I’m grocery shopping.
It has gotten so bad that it seems like no place is safe anymore. I used to hang out with my friends, but even when I’m around other models there is the constant need to compare, judge and criticize. Damnit, can’t a girl just live, without having to be criticized about a blemish, an out of place hair, or less than designer outfit. Not when you are a successful model. Nope – my home is my safe place, and it is a hater-free zone.
The worst thing about all of this though is dating. You’d think I’d have that easy, but it is surprisingly impossible. If I do find a guy that is comfortable with the attention I get every time I go out, I still have to worry about him getting caught up in what’s on the outside. It’s the classic, “Hey asshole, my eyes are up here” shit. I don’t know why I even waste my time.
So I’ve started living the model-hermit life. You’ve seen it before – dark glasses and a hoodie? People still stare, but at least I don’t give them the pleasure of knowing who they are staring at.